Missing My Loved Ones During the Holidays

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with Christmas. The lights, the smells, and the food make everything feel so magical. And don’t get me started on the corny, wholesome Hallmark movies that all have the same plot. I can’t get enough of those!

My favorite part of the season though would have to be the music. I know that’s quite a shocker coming from a woman named Carol, but it’s true. I’m definitely one of those people who sings Christmas carols all year long. And for the record, I am unashamed. The holidays were always full of so much joy and magic and wonder for me, the time of year when I felt that dreams really could come true. And then things changed.

Many years ago in the middle of December, my loving grandfather passed away. Though it was sudden, it seemed to last forever, and we spent our entire holiday season saying goodbye. It was the longest and coldest December of my life, the realest nightmare I’d ever known.

Carol and her grandfather pose for a picture together on Christmas morning.

For the next decade, I drove around with gray and white flannel pajamas hidden under the passenger’s seat of my truck. My grandma had bought them as his Christmas gift the year he'd closed his eyes. She never got a chance to wrap them and she didn’t have the heart to return them, so she gave them to me.

They went everywhere with me, a secret, quiet comfort. Even when I’d forget they were there, hearing the swish of that plastic bag as I’d make a sharp turn was always a warm surprise. The sound would remind me of him: how happily he drank coffee. How heartily he sang Kenny Rogers. How tightly he hugged me. How hugely he loved me.

Now every holiday season, I experience both joy and sadness, gratitude and grief, love and longing. And I know that I am not alone.

This is a story I don't often tell, but one that I remember well. That’s one of the most beautiful parts of storytelling; discovery. Mining, refining, and sharing our stories is just as much for ourselves as it is for our audiences. Because, while every story might not make it into the world, the journey of discovery helps us to heal, to celebrate, and to honor all the people that make up this beautiful life.

I’m still pretty nutzo about Christmas. My snow globe collection continues to grow, my decorations go up right after Thanksgiving, and I upload the antics of my Elf on a Shelf every day to social media. My days are still merry and bright, but sometimes I really miss my Pop, and I’m grateful that I get to hold him and all my loved ones tightly in my heart and honor them in my stories. For that, tis always the season.